At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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