and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
