I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
