The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
