I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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