the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
