yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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