Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
