you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
