Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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