Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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