just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Less talking, more tequila
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
