I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
