I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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