Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
