I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
