I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
