this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
