I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
