yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
