I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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