just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
