You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
