You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
birth control should be required to get into college
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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