I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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