M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
