i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
