I am in a vortex of obligation.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
