Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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