Plan B is the new Plan A
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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