history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
