i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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