Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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