she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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