I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
