you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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