So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
