I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
