Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
