guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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