Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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