she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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