So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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