I just gift wrapped bread.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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