I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
