Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
