I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So squirting runs in the family.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
