Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
