btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
