I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
