Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
