i was born a porn star she said
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Im part way to drunk.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
