Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
