It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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