I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
