U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
